The Offense that Saved Me

I’m always that person in group photos who just smiles awkwardly during the “goofy shot” while everyone else sticks out their tongues or gives each other piggyback rides. I tell myself I’ll look stupid if I join in, but the opposite always ends up being true. However, I never seem to learn. I’m just too proud to do something I think will make me stand out but, in the end, it just makes me look foolish and miss out on a whole lot of fun. I tell myself that I’m too mature to dress up for Halloween with the rest of my college friends or too smart to ask elementary level questions during a lecture. I don’t want to stoop to “that level” because surely it will make people look down on me or think I’m immature or stupid. I want my classmates to think I’m sophisticated and articulate and my professors to think I already know all the answers. However, in the end, it just robs me of a fun experience, or a great learning opportunity and I end up making a fool out of myself after all. 

I’d love to tell you that the problem ends there but unfortunately those are just two of the smaller, less damaging examples. So often my ego has stood in the way of me receiving the grace and healing of God because I was too proud to admit I was in fact a sinner in desperate need of saving. Growing up in a Christian family I’ve always seen myself as more holy and mature in my faith than others. I knew I wasn’t perfect but surely my sins weren’t nearly as bad as my classmates’ who were having sex and doing drugs while I was volunteering at my church and having sleepovers with friends from my youth group. I always told myself I was not capable of falling prey to “really bad temptation” like those other people. I thought my “Christian sins” like gossip and envy (and might I add religious pride) were surely far less harmful and unholy than sleeping around and making profane jokes. Surely, I am not alone in this sentiment and there are other “churchy, goody-goodies” who know what I’m talking about.

  If you had asked my sixteen-year-old self if she thought she was better than other people she would have responded with a very determined “no.” For most of my life I had no idea that I had such a big issue with pride. In fact, I have always struggled with a lot of self-doubt and insecurity, and, for this reason, I didn’t think that it was possible for me to also struggle with pride. However, I would have also been deeply offended if someone had suggested I wasn’t as mature and godly and ahead of my peers as I liked to think. Surely, I, the girl who had never dated and spent most of my free time talking about God and doing ministry couldn’t be put in the same category as the girls who spent their weekends partying and couldn’t spend even just one week without a boyfriend. It wasn’t until I fell prey to some very ugly sins at my lowest moments and experienced some very painful rejection that I began to really see for the first time how truly sinful and in desperate need of God's grace and healing I am. 

         There is a story in the Old Testament of a man who had a very similar struggle with pride that got in the way of Him experiencing the grace and healing of God. Naaman was the commander of the king of Aram’s army. The Bible describes him as being a “mighty warrior” and the king having “great admiration for (him),” (2 Kings 5: 1, NLT). However, Naaman had leprosy, a terrible skin disease to which, at the time, there was no cure. His wife’s servant told him about the prophet Elisha who could heal him from his leprosy, so Naaman traveled to Israel to find this great prophet. Elisha sent word to him that all he must do is wash in the Jordan River seven times and he would be healed. However, Naaman was deeply offended, saying, “I thought he would certainly come out to meet me…Aren’t the rivers of Damascus, the Abana and the Pharpar, better than any of the rivers of Israel?” (v. 11 - 12). Scripture describes him leaving the prophet’s home “in rage,” (v. 12). Luckily, the officers of his army were able to eventually convince him to give Elisha’s instructions a try and sure enough, when Naaman bathed in the Jordan seven times, his skin was completely clean. Then, Naaman tried to offer Elisha gifts to repay him for healing him, but Elisha refused to take them and so Naaman returned home vowing to worship no other god than the God of Israel, (2 Kings 5: 1 - 19, NLT). Just like Naaman, we also must be willing to humble ourselves and let go of our pride to be able to experience the full extent of God’s grace and healing. We find it so hard to comprehend the fact that Jesus offers His grace and forgiveness freely, so we also try to give gifts to repay Him. We try to earn our salvation through our own good merits, but the truth is we could never repay or earn His grace because we don’t deserve it. The Apostle Paul put it this way:

         “When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners,” (Romans 5: 6 - 8, NLT). 

         Paul asserts that we were “utterly helpless” when Jesus died for us. There was nothing we could do for ourselves to save us from our fallen, sinful state. The cross was our last chance. This truth is so wonderful and beautiful but too many times I have failed to see it that way because I was too busy being offended by it. Why? Because it wounded my big ego to hear I was a helpless, sinful person with nothing I could do to save myself. In our pride, we desperately search for ways to elevate ourselves to holiness on our own good merits and strength. However, even though we think we must exult ourselves to prove we are deserving of God’s grace, we must do the very opposite to accept His gift of salvation and healing, which He gives freely regardless of who we are and what we have done. 

         Jesus captures this phenomena eloquently in his parable of the Pharisee and Tax Collector. He describes two men, a pharisee and a tax collector, both going to the temple to pray but with very different heart postures. The Pharisee puffs out his chest in pride and thanks God he’s “not like that tax collector” saying “I fast twice a week, and I give you (God) a tenth of my income,” (Luke 18: 11 - 12, NLT). Then, Jesus describes the tax collector who “beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’” Jesus goes on to say, “I tell you the truth, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted,” (v. 13 - 14). I like to think I’m the tax collector in this passage; the person who humbly confesses their sin and is focused on their own depravity and need for God rather than other people’s sin. However, too often I am the prideful pharisee who can see everyone’s flaws except for their own. 

At first glance it seems like the pharisee’s main issue is that he is too focused on himself while the tax collector’s focus is completely on himself. However, when looking closer at the pharisee’s words, he too is focused primarily on himself. The main difference between their two prayers is the pharisee is focused on his own achievements while the tax collector is focused on his own depravity and desperate need for God’s mercy. In other words, the first is focused on earning his own salvation while the latter is focused on coming to God for a salvation he could never earn or achieve on his own. It takes great humility to let go of our own striving to be good enough for God’s love and to earn our own salvation and admit we are utterly helpless and in desperate need of a savior. The Pharisee brags all about how much he fasts and gives to God while the tax collector simply confesses, he is a sinner and asks for God to show him mercy. In both this parable and the story of Naaman we can see a consistent theme: we must humble ourselves to receive God’s mercy and healing. 

         Pride is one of the biggest barriers to break through. We will never be able to fully accept God’s free gift of forgiveness and live in the light of His redemption and freedom in our lives until we lay down this stumbling block. The Apostle James writes: 

         “So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor,” (James 4: 7 - 10, NLT). 

         In this passage, James describes the mind set we should have towards our sin. He equates humbling ourselves to resisting the devil and tells us to grieve over our sin. God will forgive us like He forgave the tax collector and heal us like He did Naaman but for Him to be able to we must first acknowledge our need for Him. Our puffed-up egos leave no room for His glory when we are convinced we can become righteous on our own. It’s time we laid down our pride and need to be the best, most popular person in the room for a humility in which knowing there is a God who loves us enough to choose us in the midst of our deepest mistakes and pain is all we need to feel valuable and enough. May we rest today in the knowledge that we don’t have to do anything to earn His love which He gives to us no matter who we are and what we’ve done. His love; His sacrifice is enough. 

        If you have any questions or would like to learn more about The C.A.N Sisters’ Ministry, check out my website, leave a comment below, or email me at cansistersministry@gmail.com.