The Impossible Art of Forgiveness

I used to forgive by convincing myself that what was done to me, wasn’t wrong. When kids would be mean to me at school I would tell myself that they didn’t know how their words hurt me. They were just teasing me. It was all a big misunderstanding. This made forgiveness easy. However, in the last year, someone hurt me so deeply that this type of forgiveness has stopped working for me. 

In the fall of my junior year of college, I started dating a guy from a new church that I had only been attending for about a month. I had transferred to a college in Virginia at the beginning of that semester far away from my home in Oregon. He was my first boyfriend, my first date, and my first kiss. I was so happy to be noticed by a boy and to be in my first dating relationship that I didn’t think much about what type of person he was and whether I was entering a healthy relationship. I had been rejected by so many boys that I had tried talking to and I was just flattered that he asked me out and said he wanted me. Before we started dating, he seemed very kind and gentlemanly. He held doors open for me and we talked for hours at a church event about God and I was convinced he was a kind, godly man. However, once we started dating, I began to see a different side of him. He had a temper and would snap at me when I did or said things that upset him and he would often tell me that I was annoying or make fun of me and call me names. I became scared of him, but I also believed him. No one had ever treated me this way before, and it was intimidating.I feared his temper but I also thought that the things he said about me were true and that I deserved to be treated this way. This went on for six months until I finally tried to reach out to some friends from our church for help. But after I told them how he was treating me, I began to doubt myself. I apologized to my boyfriend for betraying his trust. He broke up with me and said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I took the blame for the problems in the relationship and we went our separate ways. 

For the next few months I continued to tell myself that I was wrong for saying that my boyfriend was abusive. I was overwhelmed with shame and remorse, telling myself that he had been an amazing boyfriend and I was the one who had hurt him. I couldn’t be trusted, but at the same time I was also afraid of him and deeply wounded by how he had treated me. I was jumpy and anxious and afraid of running into him. When I would have time to stop and relax in the midst of my busy schedule, I would be overtaken by powerful waves of depression and long crying spells that I couldn’t shake. 

Eventually I told my mom how my boyfriend had treated me and she helped me see that he had been in the wrong, but I was still haunted by thoughts telling me that I deserved to be treated the way that he treated me, and even that God was angry with me and approved of his behavior. Our priest at our church had not believed me when I had asked him for help because my boyfriend had been going to his church for longer than I had. My ex-boyfriend also put on a good face at church so that no one could see his darker side. Satan used our priest’s words along with isolation to convince me that I had been wrong and my boyfriend was in the right. However, as I began to pray about the situation and invite God into the memories and pain from the relationship, God began to speak to me and remind me how He sees me. He also reminded me what love is and how far it was from how my ex-boyfriend had treated me. He had said that he loved me and even that he wanted to marry me, but his actions and even the other things that he had said to me, were hatred and not love. 

Now, as I continue to spend time with God and move forward with my ministry and His calling over my life, God is slowly but surely healing the wounds that my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and his priest left on my heart. Right now, I often find myself torn between two extremes. Sometimes, I still wonder whether my ex-boyfriend really did anything wrong and tell myself that I deserved to be treated the way he and his priest treated me. However, at other times, I am overwhelmed by deep pain and anger over what they did and wish I could find some sort of justice. It is so confusing and frustrating picturing them going about their lives acting like they did nothing wrong after how deeply they hurt me. But this does not change the fact that as followers of Christ, we are called to forgive those who have hurt us. 

When it comes to forgiveness, by far the most compelling passage is Luke’s account of the crucifixion. Jesus was betrayed by all of his disciples, who abandoned him in his time of need. He was nailed to a cross naked and bleeding, dying the same death as the two criminals who were crucified on either side of him even though he had done nothing wrong. He was perfect; the only person to ever walk this earth and never sin. We deserve the punishment he bore, but he took it willingly. He was mocked, falsely accused, beaten, and hung to die. He had every right to judge and hold the people in contempt who killed him, but instead he cried out from the cross, in response to all this  abuse, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing,” (Luke 23: 24, NLT). When I feel bitterness towards my ex-boyfriend and his priest (or anyone, for that matter) I picture Jesus hanging from the cross, praying to his Father to have mercy on the very people who were mocking and torturing him. Like wise, when I begin to wonder if I deserved what my ex-boyfriend and his priest did to me, I also find myself kneeling at the foot of the cross of my precious savior. I look up into the eyes of my kindest friend and see tears in his eyes as he weeps with me over my pain reminding me that I was worth all his suffering. King David wrote, “(The Lord) rescued me because He delighted in me,” (Psalm 18: 19, NLT). Jesus is the God who delighted in David in the Old Testament and He delights in each of us. I am God’s delight. He didn’t die for us because He had to, or even because it was the right thing to do. He did it because He loves us. He delights in us and sees us as worth all the suffering He had to endure for us. I am not who my ex-boyfriend says I am. I am who Christ says I am. I am a child of God. I am dearly loved and the delight of my Abba Father and I am forgiven for all my sin and shortcomings, which means I must also forgive the people who have hurt me. Christ died for them just as much as He died for me. Jesus told his disciples: “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins,” (Matthew 6: 15, NLT). If I do not forgive my ex-boyfriend and his priest for what they did to me, I am no better than them. Bitterness is like a cancer, it spreads throughout your whole heart and life, killing everything it touches. 

Forgiveness is not pretending that what they did was alright or that I deserved what they did. It’s choosing to let go of my anger and pain and fear, giving it to God and trusting the people who have hurt me into His hands. Forgiveness is often most difficult when the people who have hurt us think they did nothing wrong. It is much easier when they are obviously grief stricken and sorry for the pain they have inflicted and take responsibility for their own actions. It feels impossible to forgive when I continue to feel like they did nothing wrong and at the same time feel broken deeper than I knew was possible, but God is enough even when my own strength falls short and I don’t even know how to put one foot in front of the other. As I move forward and continue to give my pain and the people who hurt me to Christ, he will give me the strength and power to forgive when it is impossible. He will heal every wound in my heart and carry me in his arms until I can be strong enough to walk again with him by my side. 

If you have any questions or would like to learn more about The C.A.N Sisters’ ministry, please leave a comment below, check out our website, or email us at cansistersministry@gmail.com.