From a Distance

I only watched from a distance.

Like beautiful waves on the ocean,

I was afraid of the icy waters of rejection.

But now I wonder if the risk was worth taking.

I only watched from the window,

As they danced like dandelions in the wind.

I told myself I just didn’t care,

But that was a lie worth breaking.

I only pretended to be content,

As I watched from the cages of my imagination.

I lived in a fairy tale,

But all the time I knew it wasn’t real.

I was fading like a wild flower in winter,

When I saw him coming like the dawn.

I was imprisoned by chains of shame,

When he wrapped me in his love and grace.

I will never be the same.

I wrote this poem when I was on a youth retreat at the beach with my youth group. I was sitting in a chair by the window watching the ocean waves stretching up the beach and then rushing back into the sea. I started to think about how I used to be too shy to interact with people. I would imagine that I was braver than in real life and that I was better at interacting with people to try to make me feel better. It never really worked, but that didn’t stop me. I kept on daydreaming until I was no longer able to engage in my normal day to day life. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin that couldn’t resist daydreaming for even a short period of time. I was at my lowest, most desperate point when Jesus interfered. He showed me how he sees me and helped me stop daydreaming. He also helped me overcome my shyness.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

• Psalms 147: 3